When it comes to testing out the latest junk food gimmicks, I usually let the universe be my guide. This time around it was a sheet of Burger King coupons in the mail. Feeling that I had earned a reward after a grueling 40 minutes of casual elliptical-ing, my $3-for-a-double-cheeseburger-meal coupon and I headed over to BK for some grub. I arrived to a see a neon beacon in the sky advertising Mac N’ Cheetos. It took about 0.00002 seconds to decide I was adding that to my order, a decision I would soon regret.
Mac N’ Cheetos are basically five Cheetos puffs with the middle replaced with mac n’ cheese. On the outside, they basically look like a normal Cheeto that’s been fossilized a lil bit, so they certainly don’t look appealing. And maybe that’s because they’re not! I just wanted these things to be an unapologetic mess which ended with me having orange dusted fingers, a really burnt mouth, and a new zest for life. Unfortunately, the Mac was super bland and did not burn my mouth at all. One time my friends and I were camping, and forgot most of the ingredients to make Kraft macaroni and cheese (read: we forgot both ingredients). We replaced milk with boiled lake water and butter with Pam olive oil spray. That mac n’ cheese was better than Mac N’ Cheetos. Not even BK’s buffalo sauce, which is basically the Tony Hawk of fast food condiments, could save these things. To top it all off, the Cheetos flavor was but in whisper among all that disappointment, almost like the Cheetos were embarrassed to be there. Instead of leaving mildly satisfied with my double cheeseburger, fries, and Dr. Pepper, I left just real full and unhappy. And later on my stomach felt exactly how you’d expect. In other words, if I were Danny Glover’s character in Lethal Weapon, I would have said “I’m too old for these shits.”
Are Mac N’ Cheetos pretzel pizza bad? No. No, tasting like nothing is most definitely better than tasting like a pretzel pizza. That being said, Mac N’ Cheetos get 1.0 out of 4 om noms, and a 0.5 out of 4 om noms when you take into account the trip to the bathroom later (an experience which I will rate 0 out of 5 stars). This also ended up being a family affair; my youngest sister and I have the same proclivity for novelty fast food items and she went and tried Mac N’ Cheetos despite my warnings. Her review of the taste was “ass”, description of the experience was “I almost puked” and “It hurt me”.
Fast forward five days. The refrigerator is a barren wasteland. My brain hurts too much to cook. I still have sheet of BK coupons of questionable value. Time for another journey. This time, I took with me a coupon for two “grilled dogs” and a large fry. I also quickly learned that my coupon only got me the basic model of “grilled dog”; I wanted to try the chili dog version to see if I could reconstruct a palatable Coney hot dog in DC (a lofty goal, I know). I ended up being one of those stereotypical obnoxious fast food customers that is just perplexed by the menu, has a weird coupon, and tries to change their order after it’s already being made (I’ll be damned if I eat a hot dog with ketchup on it). I’m sorry, Lucia H, you deserved better.
The hot dogs themselves were really sad and unappealing to look at. They just looked like a tummy ache in physical form. But you know…not that bad. Reminded me of a hot dog at a baseball game. In other words I knew it was going to shorten my life and was prepared in some pretty sketch ways, but I enjoyed every greasy bite. I was actually kind of sad when I was done. Sitting later in a state of nausea that I assumed would last the rest of my life, I wish had just thrown the entire bag in the trash, but back when I was eating my dinner? What a ride. Would I recommend going out of your way to track down a BK hot dog? No. Don’t do that. I have a few regrets, but overall, I’ll toss BK grilled dogs a 2.0000000001 out of 4 om noms aka just barely above average enough to register.